I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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