Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
