just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
