The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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