on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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