all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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