If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
