Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
