my phone needs a breathalizer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
