Yo dont text me then not text me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
