What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
