Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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