so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
