Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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