My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
