another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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