Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
