Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
