I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
not ubering you a puppy
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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