Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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