When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Do vagina's smell?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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