I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
