i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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