Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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