Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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