for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
