It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
