did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
