Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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