new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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