so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
