You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
