I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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