he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
