Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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