I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
