Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
