You really coming over, don't trick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
