Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
