I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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