paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
