I hate your face
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
