I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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