tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
