I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
