i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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