i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
