you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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