I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
