Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
